Shoppers Sparse

Many shoppers leaving department stores reported feeling uneasy in recent weeks, citing all the manikins biting their nails.

Outcry Over Bailout

GM is looking for another $30 billion in bailout money. A financial burden the public would have to bear; prompting their own little Public Service Announcement for the automaker, CLICK IT & STICK IT!

Phelps & the Funky Stuff

Fans and pundits expressed outrage over news that gold medalist, Michael Phelps, let them down by being photographed smoking marijuana out of a bong.

Even if he did lose many of his fans he could win over twice as many by showing off some of his other talents; such as drinking the bong water and gleating it out of his gills.

Generally Bad News

GE recently announced even more layoffs, along with a new slogan: imagination at home.

Veto: Bush Style

Nancy Pelosi recently proposed 'windfall profits' tax legislation in light of record breaking profits by oil companies. The bill passed the house but was later vetoed by president Bush. Upon terminating the Bill's passage into law, Bush offered this signing statement, reading, "Windfall profits tax... on Oil Companies? Hey Pelosi, suck on Exxon ValDeeez Nuts!"

Big, Happy Countries

A recent study lists the Worlds’ Top 10 happiest, or gayest, countries. According to the study Denmark is the worlds’ gayest country in the world, closely tailed by Rosie O’Donnell.

Well....at least it's not for cats.

Leona Helmsley, the late New York hotel queen, has left her entire estate, an estimated $5-$8 Billion for the welfare of dogs. She outlined all of this in her ‘mission statement’, stating that dogs still won’t be allowed in the hotels.

We Get It!

Now that gay marriage is legal in California, can homosexuals finally shut up and swallow their gay pride?

Hummer Bummer

News of GM possibly discontinuing the Hummer in light of plummeting sales, has led to people remarking near lunch time, “I’m hungrier than a Hummer dealer.”

Tomato Scare Ripple Effects

In wake of the Salmonella-Tomato scare, hack Stand-Up comics are suffering most as their booed off the stage while dodging V-8 Juice.

New York STD Figures

A recent study confirms that 1 in 4 New Yorkers have Herpes. Their easy to spot, however, because their all such dickheads they actually have herpes on their face.

Recipe for Scandal

Cindy McCain was recently caught, again, plagiarizing recipes. Maybe she should steal a recipe for her husband: the Elixir of Youth.

Four Stars?

Critics rave, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a great addition to the franchise; if you too have a crystallized rock of a skull.

Cadavers Are People Too! Dummy.

GM and Saab are purported to have used human cadavers last year in crash tests. They're now changing their slogan to, "On the road of life, there are passengers and there are cadavers."

Attorneys Love the Lord: Feeling not Mutual

A study conducted at the University of St. Thomas School of Law in Minnesota found a direct correlation between strong spirituality and academic performance. Empirically proving, once and for all, that lawyers are the sworn spawn of Satan.

R. Kelly Trial Update

In the case against R. Kelly, prosecutor Shauna Boliker, informed the jury of the footage they were about witness. She told the jury they would “..see vile, disturbing…actions that were choreographed, produced and starred in by Robert Kelly.” Much like all of his music videos.

Gruesome Mystery Afoot (pun regretfully intended)

A 4th severed foot was found off of Canada’s Pacific Coast recently. Local officials are said to have encouraged “deese Yoopers to quit playing footsy wit da woodchipper.”

Buy a Car, Get a Gun

A Missouri car dealer has enjoyed soaring sales following his 'Buy a Car- Get a Gun' promotion. In other news, rival meth-lab drive-by shootings are skyrocketing.

Phweeee Phewww!

New Zealand road workers’ wish came true when whistling at a passerby, who, being fed up with such overt sexism, stripped naked in an effort to ‘show them’. Unfortunately, it was actually that dude from the Arby’s commercial.

Take a Bow, Hint

Everyone's urging Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. What's amazing is that she still thinks she has a chance to win. Is she delusional? Is she living under a rock, or rocks… which her marriage is on.

Medical Breakthrough News

A new medical breakthrough allows doctors to perform major surgeries through many of the bodily orifices. Dick Cheney plans on getting his next heart surgery done through his mouth so he can keep talking out his ass.

$4 a Gallon? I'm Going Horseback Baby

A student in Tennessee rode his horse to school in protest of high gas prices. However, when he arrived the police were called and the school principal banned him from the graduation ceremony, who is apparently a chairman and shareholder of Exxon-Mobil.

McCain Medical Records pre-date Magna Carta

Earlier today, John McCain released his medial records to a select group of reporters in an attempt to quell concern over his age and general health. Before releasing the records he told reporters, ‘There are going to be no surprises.’ Except, of course, for the hyphen and blank line after his birth date.

This Laser You Speak of...

The University of Texas powered up the world's most powerful laser recently. It’s power output is 2000 times that of all U.S. power plants combined... or roughly half the power needed to perform Lasik surgery on Larry King's eyes.

Dino Do do

Earlier this month fossilized Dinosaur dung was auctioned off for nearly $1,000! That much… for dino shit? Hell, I’m pretty sure a Pterodactyl crapped on my car this morning, how much can I get for that?

Cackle Shack has just received this official statement following the Dino crap controversy, "My auctioned off crap should not become a campaign issue," said John McCain.

Absolut Borders

Conservatives urged a boycott of Absolut Vodka in response to its controversial advertisement depicting Mexico’s border “In An Absolut World”. Some far right wing groups didn't stop there. They think manifest destiny should include a Really New Mexico.

Boy Band Maker Turns Bitch

Godfather of boy bands, Lou Pearlman, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for scamming over $300 million out of investors. Pearlman created boy bands like N’Sync and Backstreet Boys, but will soon become well acquainted with the Backdoor Boys.

After sentencing, Pearlman made his final statement, "Well it ain't no lie, baby -bye bye byea... anal virginity.

Well, Call me Crazy and Crap on my Keyboard!

A recent study shows that your computer’s keyboard may actually be dirtier than your toilet. Regardless of how filthy your toilet and keyboard are, neither are as dirty as your hard drive after watching 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Yesterday, love really was such an easy game to play

News of Paul McCartney's ex-wife, Heather Mills, having bilked the Beatle of nearly $50 Million has Anna Nicole Smith turning (tricks) in her grave.

Sex & the City

The new Sex & the City movie’s coming out soon. It's taken longer than expected to shoot the film, however, because the girls were so busy with Sex & the Syphilis treatments.

Oreo...No!

This past Monday a semi-truck crashed into a median, flipping over causing 14 tons of Oreo cookies to spill across the highway. Upon seeing all those Oreo's go to waste, the truck driver openly cried...over not having spilled milk as well.

The trucker told police, "I wouldn't have lost control if they never made them damn double stuffed Oreo's. They must've tipped my rig top heavy."

Not Too Surprising

The U.S. Census Bureau’s world population clock hit 6,666,666,666 people last week. The Cackle Shack has obtained this photograph of the 666th child -purported to be the Anti-Christ.

Double-Bogey Dubya

Recently President Bush mentioned that he gave up playing golf due to the ongoing war in Iraq. He felt that playing golf in a time of war sent the wrong signal. Later, he gave the real reason for quitting his golf game, "My last drive sliced so far east I spent weeks trying to chip out of the sand trap -Iraq." He then added, "Sand bunkers are evil-doers."

So That's How Stonehenge Came To Be

Sources at National Geographic say they've uncovered new clues as to who made Stonehenge. Their latest theory: They’re kidney stones passed by John McCain.

50 Cent & Apple?

Has anyone noticed how many projects rapper 50 cent has his hooks into? His latest venture is with Apple computers; their negotiating a branding deal offering a line of computers to inner-city families. The only difference is 50 cent's computers don't freeze, they tell you to freeze...then 'boost all your shit!' -Any unsaved data or cheddar may be lost.

For an extra $80 you can upgrade and get the 'shoot you in the face' feature, which 50 Cent is oh so familiar with. The upgrade also comes with 2-years of Tech-9 Support.

Cluster Bomb Ban?

Officials in Britain are against a ban on cluster bombs. They want to keep that option open in case Amy Winehouse releases another cluster-fuck of an album.

China Trouble

The recent earthquake in china cost businesses $9.5 billion in losses. That’s nearly half of their lead toy exports.

Donald Rumsfeld's Memoirs

Donald Rumsfeld's memoirs are set to come out in 2 years -titled 'Known Unknowns of a Known War Criminal.'

Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse is apparently writing her memoirs. Yah, there free-based on a true story.

Penny Pinchin' at the Pumps

Gas prices are horrendous! What's worse is the fact that these petroleum pushing pan-handlers charge that extra 9/10's of a cent per gallon. To top it off they may be skimping you when you top it off. That's right, investigative reports came out that gas pumps are about as accurate as your aim in their bathrooms! If they can't even give me an even gallon of gas, well shit... I ..can't even hit the seat! Charge me 9/10's of a cent for gas than 9/10's of your restroom's soaked in my own little light bonny!!

GTA4- Now that's Realistic!

Grand Theft Auto 4 came out this recently. Its very realistic, being set in a replica of NYC. Its so realistic now not only can you bang hookers in your car, you can bang them as former Governor Sptizer.

Silly Snipes

Wesley Snipes was indicted for tax evasion recently. He got the maximum sentence of 3 years in prison. But see he’s still yet to be turned over to authorities. We all know his role in “white men can’t jump” guess we’ll have to wait and see if “Black man can’t jump-Bail.”

Microsoft Profits Decline

Microsoft is reporting declines in profits. Their shareholders aren't happy. Yeah, apparently they didn’t sell enough dohickey’s or buy enough Yahoo’s.

McCain's Ride

John McCain's been making his rounds across the country campaigning for President. He tours in his one of kind vehicle, 'The Straight Talk Express', a Sports Utility Hearse.

Hello Kitty Cocaine

In mid- April Guatemalan Drug dealers got caught smuggling over a ton of cocaine packaged in Hello Kitty kilos. I knew it! So that’s why hello kitty doesn’t have a mouth all it needs is a nose!

Hello Kitty said 'Hello, I'm Hello Kitty....and I'm an addict,' at an NA meeting today. The Kitty broke down saying 'It all started with cat nip.'

So.....

Why are you looking down here again?

Oh, right I didn't mean to make this post.