Sunday, March 15, 2009
Fans and pundits expressed outrage over news that gold medalist, Michael Phelps, let them down by being photographed smoking marijuana out of a bong.
Even if he did lose many of his fans he could win over twice as many by showing off some of his other talents; such as drinking the bong water and gleating it out of his gills.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Nancy Pelosi recently proposed 'windfall profits' tax legislation in light of record breaking profits by oil companies. The bill passed the house but was later vetoed by president Bush. Upon terminating the Bill's passage into law, Bush offered this signing statement, reading, "Windfall profits tax... on Oil Companies? Hey Pelosi, suck on Exxon ValDeeez Nuts!"
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A study conducted at the University of St. Thomas School of Law in Minnesota found a direct correlation between strong spirituality and academic performance. Empirically proving, once and for all, that lawyers are the sworn spawn of Satan.
In the case against R. Kelly, prosecutor Shauna Boliker, informed the jury of the footage they were about witness. She told the jury they would “..see vile, disturbing…actions that were choreographed, produced and starred in by Robert Kelly.” Much like all of his music videos.
New Zealand road workers’ wish came true when whistling at a passerby, who, being fed up with such overt sexism, stripped naked in an effort to ‘show them’. Unfortunately, it was actually that dude from the Arby’s commercial.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
A student in Tennessee rode his horse to school in protest of high gas prices. However, when he arrived the police were called and the school principal banned him from the graduation ceremony, who is apparently a chairman and shareholder of Exxon-Mobil.
Earlier today, John McCain released his medial records to a select group of reporters in an attempt to quell concern over his age and general health. Before releasing the records he told reporters, ‘There are going to be no surprises.’ Except, of course, for the hyphen and blank line after his birth date.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Earlier this month fossilized Dinosaur dung was auctioned off for nearly $1,000! That much… for dino shit? Hell, I’m pretty sure a Pterodactyl crapped on my car this morning, how much can I get for that?
Cackle Shack has just received this official statement following the Dino crap controversy, "My auctioned off crap should not become a campaign issue," said John McCain.
Conservatives urged a boycott of Absolut Vodka in response to its controversial advertisement depicting Mexico’s border “In An Absolut World”. Some far right wing groups didn't stop there. They think manifest destiny should include a Really New Mexico.
Godfather of boy bands, Lou Pearlman, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for scamming over $300 million out of investors. Pearlman created boy bands like N’Sync and Backstreet Boys, but will soon become well acquainted with the Backdoor Boys.
After sentencing, Pearlman made his final statement, "Well it ain't no lie, baby -bye bye byea... anal virginity.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
A recent study shows that your computer’s keyboard may actually be dirtier than your toilet. Regardless of how filthy your toilet and keyboard are, neither are as dirty as your hard drive after watching 2 Girls 1 Cup.
This past Monday a semi-truck crashed into a median, flipping over causing 14 tons of Oreo cookies to spill across the highway. Upon seeing all those Oreo's go to waste, the truck driver openly cried...over not having spilled milk as well.
The trucker told police, "I wouldn't have lost control if they never made them damn double stuffed Oreo's. They must've tipped my rig top heavy."
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Recently President Bush mentioned that he gave up playing golf due to the ongoing war in Iraq. He felt that playing golf in a time of war sent the wrong signal. Later, he gave the real reason for quitting his golf game, "My last drive sliced so far east I spent weeks trying to chip out of the sand trap -Iraq." He then added, "Sand bunkers are evil-doers."
Monday, May 19, 2008
Has anyone noticed how many projects rapper 50 cent has his hooks into? His latest venture is with Apple computers; their negotiating a branding deal offering a line of computers to inner-city families. The only difference is 50 cent's computers don't freeze, they tell you to freeze...then 'boost all your shit!' -Any unsaved data or cheddar may be lost.
For an extra $80 you can upgrade and get the 'shoot you in the face' feature, which 50 Cent is oh so familiar with. The upgrade also comes with 2-years of Tech-9 Support.
Gas prices are horrendous! What's worse is the fact that these petroleum pushing pan-handlers charge that extra 9/10's of a cent per gallon. To top it off they may be skimping you when you top it off. That's right, investigative reports came out that gas pumps are about as accurate as your aim in their bathrooms! If they can't even give me an even gallon of gas, well shit... I ..can't even hit the seat! Charge me 9/10's of a cent for gas than 9/10's of your restroom's soaked in my own little light bonny!!
Wesley Snipes was indicted for tax evasion recently. He got the maximum sentence of 3 years in prison. But see he’s still yet to be turned over to authorities. We all know his role in “white men can’t jump” guess we’ll have to wait and see if “Black man can’t jump-Bail.”
In mid- April Guatemalan Drug dealers got caught smuggling over a ton of cocaine packaged in Hello Kitty kilos. I knew it! So that’s why hello kitty doesn’t have a mouth all it needs is a nose!
Hello Kitty said 'Hello, I'm Hello Kitty....and I'm an addict,' at an NA meeting today. The Kitty broke down saying 'It all started with cat nip.'